那個網址和另一個我:悼我的學生李慧珊(1976-2008)



悼我的學生李慧珊(1976-2008)


◎石計生

你說從那個網址可以看見另一個自我。那個自我活在學院裡,而且是以理性的方式思考,開會,教學,研究和生活。雖然是如此,我在那裡所做的事情,仍然不是所有學院派所能理解。甚至說,我本身也很難理解那樣一個世界。以一把尺去衡量價值的種種,量的速度與標準化遠勝於質的緩慢與深度思考,那被稱為指標的數字的東西,佔據這個我的心智運作的後果是無感與形式主義。必須離開,抬起頭來,時針與分針再次交錯的時候,我必須關掉電腦,去一個過早關閉她的生命的靈堂前上香。我1999年從芝加哥回國教書後的第一屆東吳大學社會系學生李慧珊,在四月初竟因為心臟病突發於睡夢中過世。三十二歲的生命。那日我震驚地獲得這個消息,在冷冷的雨中忘記對世界說話。忘記開會,忘記教學,忘記研究和忘記生活。腦海裡記得這個學生的聰明上進。我寫了生平第一封推薦信,為她,到著名的英國倫敦政經學院。後來她高興地跑來學校跟我說:「老師,我錄取了!謝謝!」陽光裡青春堅毅美麗的倩影爾今香消玉殞。在來不及看見更為豐富而多彩的未來時就走了。在那個網站所無法規範的這頭的我,以秋分焚詩的心情出發,跨越淡水河,到彼岸去看她,等會兒。

慧珊,老師就來了。台灣習俗白髮人不能送黑髮人,你這星期六的出殯老師就無法去了。我已經罵了你同學紀建良了,這麼重要的事情竟然隱瞞一個星期才跟老師說。只因為老師的哈力也不久前才過世。怕我承受不住。傻瓜。怎麼會?那個網址裡的我是精神分裂大師,可以讓一切內在的痛苦成為不忍揭的白雪,正常而受嚮往。不說的結果是讓我這時的等待更為舉步維艱了。我深怕看見你遺照時淚水會不聽話地直接滾出來,失態地在眾學生面前沒了個樣。我想,你在和男友要結婚赴美前夕這樣離開是為了什麼呢?為什麼不讓老師去喝你的喜酒呢?這樣睡夢中安詳離去是開悟了人生無常嗎?還是是死神刻意要中斷你的幸福帶走你呢?或者是善神憐憫你,讓你不用面對險惡的成人世界直接讓你至極樂世界去了呢?這裡的自我,想了很多。開始認真討厭起那個網址與另一個我。

不滅之道存想泥。以這密語拋給窗外滂陀的雨裡桂花,那呼喚的聲音,說教育之意義,是比生命更為長久的關心。四月是死亡的季節。即使是豔麗盛開的這裡的世界。可以理解,為何大多數人喜歡在那個網址和另一個自我,不是因為那裡好,而是因為滿足了那些規範後,就可以安心成為編織工或者螺絲釘。至於全貌或者網站這頭的世界是不該想像的,來久了,就要被逐出「理想國」,詩人不就是這樣,才能讓自己的顏色和大眾一樣嗎?車來了,慧珊,老師就和你的同學一起來看你了,等會兒見。

(2008.04.21)


慧珊,老師送你離開塵世三首歌:永遠年輕

Alphaville合唱團 Forever young
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7CuJ8cR9sg
Bob Dylon: Forever young
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=VSpAWVa4Jak
Rod Steward:Forever Young
http://tw.youtube.com/watch?v=OHNeRjC4nJw&feature=related

Forever young By Alphaville

Let’s dance in style
Let’s dance for a while
Heaven can wait
We’re only watching the skies
Hoping for the best
But expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

Let us die young or let us live forever
We don’t have the power
But we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit
Life is a short trip
The music’s for the sad men

Can you imagine when this race is won?
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders
We’re getting in tune
The music’s played by the madmen

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever
Forever — and ever

Some are like water
Some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later, they all will be gone
Why don’t they stay young?

It’s so hard to get old without a cause
I don’t want to perish like a fading horse
Youth’s like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn’t happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams swinging out of the blue
We’ll let them come true

Forever Young By Bob Dylan

May God bless and keep you always,
May your wishes all come true,
May you always do for others
And let others do for you.
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous,
May you grow up to be true,
May you always know the truth
And see the lights surrounding you.
May you always be courageous,
Stand upright and be strong,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

May your hands always be busy,
May your feet always be swift,
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift.
May your heart always be joyful,
May your song always be sung,
May you stay forever young,
Forever young, forever young,
May you stay forever young.

Forever Young By Rod Steward

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you’re far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you’d have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you’ll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away
I’ll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I’m right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

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